I keep thinking that someone should pinch me - that someone should wake me up from this dream I’m having that is my life right now. I’m 30 years old with a 1st grader and a kindergartener. My kids are in school all day and I’m home alone… pregnant with a new baby due early this fall.
When I dreamed about my future family and the children that I would bear, I never anticipated a 6-year gap between any of my children. I expected babies to join our family every 2 years or so, until we decided that our family was here and we were complete. But that plan didn’t quite pan out, and getting with the new program of ‘the Lord’s timing’ proved to be a difficult trial I’ve had to face.
In 2014 we thought we were well on our way to welcoming the next member of our family, but tragically I suffered two pregnancy losses in a row that year. It was devastating. I have never experienced such pain and sorrow. As we tried for months to become pregnant, and always fell short, I honestly thought that hope of holding a new baby of ours in my arms would never amount to anything but pain and sadness.
During this time our family experienced some pretty drastic changes with the acceptance of a new work opportunity for my husband. We packed up our things and left our first home to move to Las Vegas and start a new life here in the desert. Looking back at this change, I equate it to a blessing from Heavenly Father to keep me busy and engaged in a good cause. During those few months of drastic change, I didn’t have the time to dwell in my head and my misery. I had to go and do. I had to support my husband in this new opportunity to provide for our family. I didn’t have time to be sad, to mourn or to grieve. I had to be busy, and so I was.
When the dust began to settle in mid October, the nagging thought/desire to add a child to our family returned. I didn’t realize how hopeful I was until I would learn that another month went by with still no baby on the horizon. Each month was the same story. I would cry for days and then I would keep living, keep going through the daily motions. My hope diminished so quickly to where I felt I would never bare another child.
In December I decided to focus my thoughts on something else, on a greater cause than more misery and self-woe. I decided to seek employment so that I could contribute to providing for our family. I was particular about not being away from our children, so the search for an at-home position was slow and steady. Just before Christmas an opportunity arose that I jumped on--a position to work from home for a company that provides websites for tax and accounting professionals. It was a sudden change, going from my steady search to abruptly working full time from home, but the challenge was exciting and rewarding, and provided some stress relief financially speaking. And best of all, it was solely from home, with no gimmicks or hoops to jump through.
The first few weeks with this company went extremely well. I was eager to learn all the ins and outs of this new gig. It was exciting to be a part of something again, to be contributing to a bigger picture, in addition to my own.
During the first week of January my momentum didn’t rest, but I did notice something was off—something with myself. I didn’t feel well, and the ache I had in my stomach all day long beginning January 6th was oddly suspicious. My husband and I conversed through text messages during the day, and that night I took a test that came back faintly positive. Given my luck I almost resorted to ignoring it all together, but a few days later I took another, and this time the result wasn’t so faint. It was blatantly positive.
After all this time, all that struggle, a baby was finally brewing.
Morning sickness (NVP) kicked in a whole two weeks early. With every other pregnancy it would hit around 6-7 weeks, but this one knocked me down as soon as it got started. Along with the nausea, immediately I was overcome with fear and anxiety that it wouldn’t keep. But I had to keep living, had to keep up with this new job I found for myself. That was the status quoi for the next two months – to just survive – and survive we did. Every morning for 8 weeks I got out of bed, helped the kids off to school, spent the next 8 hours working, and was back in bed by 7 every night. It wasn’t pretty, but we survived.
Now that I’m about to enter my 16th week of pregnancy, I can see that my energy is slowly but surely returning. My NVP is subsiding enough that I can get through chores and I can interact with my children. I don’t feel as hopeless as I did during the first several weeks, and with each passing day I grow more and more excited for this little addition to our family.
Since my anatomy scan isn’t scheduled until May, I decided to go the extra mile for a gender check ultrasound from another clinic. They were running a Groupon deal for a 4-D ultrasound package for only $33, so I went for it. My appointment was set for today (March 29, 2016) at 8:00am. Since it was before Liliane had to be at school I made a mommy/daughter date out of it. Jordan stayed home with Wesley so Liliane and I could go. When the tech told us the gender I gasped! Liliane’s face was all grins. She couldn’t stop smiling.
It’s a girl!
I really had no inkling either way, but wanted to know so I could start prepping materially for this baby. We gave away all our baby things when we moved, so we literally have nothing and are starting from scratch.
Each day I find myself more and more grateful for the path that this life has taken me on, even with the bumps I’ve had to travel along the way. Those bumps have taught me empathy; they’ve given me understanding from a sole perspective. I don’t wish pregnancy loss or struggle on anyone, and having traveled my own road of loss and uncertainty, I definitely have more love and compassion for those whose circumstances resemble mine. My heart truly aches for all those who know the pain I’ve known, who are still fighting the same fight to bring a baby into their arms. I have so much respect for the gift of life, and I hope that as I continue to progress in this pregnancy, that all continues to go well so that I might experience the joy of a rainbow after the storm.
